Evangelical minister Pat Robertson has claimed sources have told him there was an explosion at the levee in Des Moines immediately before the levee was breached and flooded the city.
Robertson, founder of the Christian network, The 700 Club, said, “I heard from a very reliable source who saw a 15 foot deep crater under the levee breach. It may have been blown up to destroy the Irish part of town and keep the French part dry.”
Tensions were raised further during a live television broadcast Friday night to raise money for the rebuilding process in Iowa. Film star Will Smith was appearing in a segment with outspoken Irish musician Bono, lead singer of the band U2. Bono stopped reading from the teleprompter and issued a rambling statement about his how he is donating his own money to relief efforts, particularly to provide colored glasses to everyone in the city. While Will Smith remained silent and looked a bit confused, Bono concluded by saying, “George Bush doesn’t care about Irish people.”
As we mentioned in our story about Oompa Loompas being allowed to attend a high school prom, Oompa Loompas everywhere are riding a wave of enthusiasm and hope as society’s barriers continue to fall for the once maligned orange-skinned people. Excitement was in the air as the nation’s first chapter of F.O.O.L.S (Friends of Oompa Loompas Society) had its opening meeting last night at (name withheld by request of owner), a local restaurant in New York City. While turnout did not meet expectations, F.O.O.L.S president and charter member, Jessica Scrote de Amor, said she was pleased that a restaurant agreed to host the event.
“The fact that (name withheld by request of owner) proudly hosted this event shows how far we Oompa Loompas have come. Considering the discrimination we’ve faced in the past, the treatment we’ve received here shows that more and more people are becoming F.O.O.L.S.”
John D. Bag, pictured above, wasn’t as enthusiastic about the meeting, eventually admitting that he and his girlfriend, pictured above, opposite John, had literally, stumbled upon the F.O.O.L.S. meeting.
“Dude, we were drunk off our asses that night. We heard this high-pitched voice singing Nickelback in the back room,” Bag said. He continued, “We walked in thinking we could do some karaoke and hit a helium tank. Out of nowhere this orange freak comes at us, snapping pictures. We tried to get away, but she offered us chocolate and candy to pose for pictures with us. I eventually figured out she was an Oompa Loompa. Those freaks scare me, man.”
Singing in in unison with very high-pitched voices, “We shall overcome, we shall overcome.” It is truly a great day for oompa loompas everywhere!
The above gentle…”men?” can be found on Guidofistpump.com a hilarious website all about Guidos.
**(Editor’s Note) We frequently highlight douchebags here. To clear up any confusion, it’s important to note that the label douchebag is a sort of umbrella term. All Guidos are douchebags, yes, but not all douchebags are guidos. We apologize for any confusion we may have caused**
In case your’e not familiar with Guidos, check out a quick summary, which can be found at UrbanDictionary.com.
A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.
WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.
NATURAL HABITAT: Known to frequent Tri-State area malls looking for club gear to waste their week’s pay on (most likely spotted shopping at “Bang Bang” in Staten Island). During the day when not at their food delivery, telemarketting, or construction job, can be located at their local gym tanning or lifting weights. Can be found nightly at mainstream danceclubs they read about online (SF, Webster Hall, Etc.). Most notable for cruising the Jersey shore in an old car (Honda, Mustang, etc.) which has been tinted, painted and sports $1,000-$3,000 rims in a feeble attempt to look like new. Guido cars usually have a boomin’ system through which cheesy music like freestyle, commercial club/trance and hip-hop (anything KTU plays) is loudly blasted.
PASSTIMES/RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES: Guidos enjoy beating up a non-white or homosexual while assisted by a group of 5-10 guido friends backing them up; engaging in date rape; and displaying their lack of rhythm by dancing poorly in the middle of a club’s dance floor while non-guidos look on in disbelief.
Here’s a video summary that should bring you up to speed as well. NSFW language.
And, here’s some authentic Guido dancing. I believe it’s a dance to Spikeura, god of hairgel/roofies.
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