“Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s”

The Onion News Network scoops the competition once again.

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Vice President Joe Biden: Run for the hills people! The flu swine will get ya!

I’ve always wondered why on Earth Barack Obama picked Joe Biden to be his VP.  There must have been strategic gains that overcome Biden’s infamous tendency to put his foot in his mouth.  Regardless, it makes for great comedy.  Here’s the Vice President of the United States on the Today Show this morning doing his best to further panic the sheeple over the swine flu.  Stay away from the airplanes and subway cars people.

Public Service Announcements from the Swine flu of 1976-Somehow the world didn’t end then either

Keep in mind, while watching this, that there was 1 death from the swine flu of 1976, and 30+ deaths from the swine flu shot. Back in 1976, the U.S. government had to produce these ominous public service announcements on their own.  These days, the media handles that part of it.

Swine flu “Patient Zero” finally identified.

The Chum Master thinks the swine flu is yet another overhyped, media-driven pseudo crisis, but even he had to chuckle at the above image.

Thanks to Mikey for sending this in.

Try to keep your calendar straight this Valentine’s Day

Fox & Friends+naked skier guy+talk of a Vaseline sponsorship=win

I do believe you can become more intelligent by watching these morning shows….watch this clip and you’ll feel smarter already.

Balloonist who crossed U.S. won’t shut up about the abuse of horses.

Another hard-hitting report from The Onion News Network. Ballooning should be fun, but this guy just keeps going on and on about the abuse of horses……

Attractive Girls Union refuses to talk with Mike Greenman

Hard-hitting coverage from The Onion News Network.  Mike Greenman isn’t making any inroads with the Attractive Girls Union (AGU).  Footage and analysis from the press conference.  1 NSFW word around the 3:00 mark.  Very funny stuff.

Charlie Brown: Thanksgiving around a ping-pong table

A classic.

Endless corny lines from David Caruso on “CSI Miami”

CSI Miami is an ok show, but man Caruso is such a cornball. Somehow that doesn’t prevent this show from finishing high in the ratings every season. Enjoy this sampling of Caruso’s wonderful delivery. You might notice a pattern after 1 or 2 of these.