Archive for July, 2008

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog addresses Comic-Con 2008, and subsequently poops on them

July 31, 2008

If you know what Comic Con is, you’ll probably find this funny. NSFW language.

This reminded me of a classic Triumph skit from his days on Conan O’Brien. Triumph had been sent to cover the Hawaii auditions for American Idol. Fox had Triumph kicked off so a local NBC affiliate asked him to stop by the station and report on the weather.

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The Beijing Olympics: Are they a trap?

July 31, 2008

Onion panelists debate the very real likelihood that the Chinese government is luring the world to Beijing to spring the mother of all traps on the international community.  Tigers, dragons, and spike-lined pits are in our Olympians future.

“Pussy Galore”…how Fox News covers the story of a 44 lb. cat

July 31, 2008

Good lord those Fox news women are almost unbearable to listen to.  But, here’s the story of Princess Chunk, a 44 lb. cat from southern New Jersey.  That’s a fat cat.  Watch the label change around the 0:17 second mark.  Fox News…..oh, what’s the point….

Video evidence shows that Criss Angel is not actually a wizard: douchebag status remains intact

July 31, 2008

Criss Angel supposedly performed his most dangerous stunt yet.  Here’s how a journalist in the L.A. Times described the performance.

Rockstar magician and illusionist Criss Angel variously calls the event his “most challenging escapeCriss_angel_2 ever” and “the most dangerous thing I have attempted in my career” -– a stunt in which he’ll flee a building set for destruction and rigged with hundreds of pounds of explosives before 4,500 tons of concrete come barreling down on top of him.

Handcuffed to a seventh-floor balcony, the Sin City sensation will have just three minutes and 30 seconds to get through a series of locked doors and climb three flights of stairs to the roof. His salvation: a helicopter hovering above with a dangling 30-foot ladder. The event will be broadcast live at 7 tonight on “Mindfreak,” Angel’s popular A&E show.

The Tampa Bay Fox affiliate sent its newscopter to cover the event.  They were a bit skeptical.  Here’s their take with video and analysis of the stunt.

8 people who will kill your party

July 31, 2008

Holy Taco brings one of the funniest and, sadly familiar,  stories I’ve read in awhile: “8 People Who Will Kill Your Party.”  3 of the 8 are listed below.  I think they’re missing “Guy That’s at Least 15 yrs. Older Than Everyone and Never Married and Still Claims it Was His Choice.”  Make sure to check out the full list here.

Guy Who Gets Wasted in The First Hour

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm…” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.

Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? Do you know, because I sure as fuck don’t! I just miss her so much. My name’s Brian by the way.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s list. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”

Girl Who Starts Crying

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.

HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her or how fat her friends are. This means you either sit there and let her bring down the vibe of your party or you take her outside and listen to her whine about absolutely nothing. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.

Whales bide time before bloody revolution by blowing bubble rings. Foolish humans…….we’ll see who’s laughing soon enough.

July 31, 2008

The beluga whale above resides at the Hamadas aquarium, near Tokyo, Japan. Scuba divers taught the whales to blow bubble rings. I’m guessing these whales are doing it to appease the aquarium staff, and lull them into a false sense of confidence. Then, when the moment is right, the belugas will crush their land-dwelling oppressors. The tanks will flow with the blood of the two-legged tyrants! Belugas are nobody’s bitches….Delphinapterus leucas bows before no human!

Video

It’s Fatboy Slim’s birthday so watch the video for “Praise You”

July 31, 2008

Fun song, but even better is the choreography.  The crowd loves these guys.  After that, watch the best video of all time, Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” featuring Christopher Walken.  Spike Jonez made some great music videos.  Remember those?

Praise You

Sad because dog meat is off the menu in Beijing during the Olympics? Fear not, seal penis is still available.

July 30, 2008

As we reported 2 weeks ago, the Chinese government ordered restaurants in Beijing to stop serving dog meat during the time Beijing hosts the 2008 Summer Olympics. Something about scaring the Western tourists, etc……

But, fear not, because niche parts of assorted animals can still be purchased at a new speciality penis eatery in Beijing. Besides horse penis with a chili dip, customers can order the member of a seal, which is apparently a delicacy. Before you make any condescending remarks, remember that cultures vary around the world in cuisine, music, art, etc., so don’t be so closed minded. All of you xenophobes can eat a dick.

Source

Daniel Chesterfield: Magic for the layman

July 30, 2008

Chessus Christ found in Frito-Lay bag. Can be yours with a med. slushie for $1.99.

July 30, 2008

Oy vey…….