Funniest headline ever

Man squeezed more than Charmin in local grocery store, police say

A Stafford County man was squeezing more than Charmin Friday in a North Stafford grocery store, police said.

Sheriff’s Maj. David Decatur said the suspect, 51-year-old Kenneth Lawrence Green, is accused of grabbing at least two women’s buttocks in the Shopper’s Food Warehouse in Stafford Marketplace.

Green was placed in the Rappahannock Regional Jail under a $1,000 bond after being charged with assault and battery.

According to Decatur, the assaults occurred about 1 p.m. The known victims were 49 and 57.

One victim said she was shopping when she felt someone grab the lower part of her buttocks. She looked up and saw Green next to her, police said.

A few minutes later, Decatur said, the same thing happened to the same woman and police were called.

Green was still in the store when deputies arrived and was taken into custody. During the investigation, police learned there was a second victim.

Several witnesses observed the improper touching, Decatur said.
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